This morning I got a call from a nurse at Kaiser.  As I mentioned yesterday, I assumed it was a call with the exciting news that I’d failed my gestational diabetes screening and would have to take another test.  But this nurse, who said she had my lab results, began by saying she had good news!  All I could think was “What in the world?  What good news could they call about from the lab?”  She told me with enthusiastic delight that I do NOT have HIV!  I’m thinking “Ummmm…good.  Why did you think I might have HIV?”

Now, I am blessed to be in a situation where I’ve never been concerned about whether I have HIV.  It’s never even occurred to me that I might have HIV.  I don’t think I’ve ever been tested before.  It was a rather confusing surprise to have someone announce to me with excitement and even some relief in her voice that I don’t have HIV.

Then I recalled that I’d had a bunch of blood work done at my prenatal appointment, and that probably automatically included an HIV test.  She was going on about how I should be tested again in six months to be totally sure, but that this test was a good sign, and that I’m very lucky.  I couldn’t help but interrupt her to explain that I’d never thought I might have HIV and that it was part of a prenatal bloodwork panel the doctor had ordered for me.  She stopped, congratulated me on my pregnancy, and seemed a bit disappointed that I wasn’t as enthusiastically pleased as she about my test results.  I thanked her and said something like “I never thought I had it, but I guess it’s a good thing to know I don’t.”  She replied seriously, “Yes dear, it’s a very, very good thing that you don’t have HIV.”  And we pleasantly ended the phone call.

It made me think of what a hard job she must have, calling people who are worried about contracting such a horrible virus and informing them of their fate.  She probably sits on the phone trying to comfort people all day, with few encouraging facts to share with them.

It also made me think, a few minutes later, that I am blessed to not be worried about something like having HIV.  My complaints are all temporary, relatively fleeting things that I know will probably go away eventually and have good treatment options.  I am confident in my husband’s past, present, and future faithfulness to me and mine to him.  What is a little morning sickness and gestational diabetes (which come with the blessing of a baby in the end) to the alternative of HIV and some of the things that would put me at risk of having it?

It’s nice to get good news when you’re expecting bad news.  And it’s good to have another thing to be grateful for.

So what’s for breakfast?  Wheat Thins.  I’m having room-temperature crackers for breakfast.  Crackers I have to ask my kids for permission to eat.  Degen holds the box, I say “May I please have some more?” and he carefully considers his answer each time before answering “uuuuuhhh..sure!” and handing me one cracker (sometimes one half-eaten cracker).  In all fairness, while I was typing the above he got impatient waiting for my plea and said “You want some more?”  When I answered affirmatively, he of course gave me one more cracker.  He’s really very generous for a three year old.

I’m sitting here trying to think of foods that sound good enough to eat.  Donuts…with chocolate frosting on top.  Strawberries.  Waffles with syrup.  Cantaloupe.  I could probably eat a burrito or chicken noodle soup.  And I can’t think of anything else.  I don’t really have cravings when I’m pregnant–I have foods I don’t hate.  And that list of foods gets smaller and smaller with each pregnancy because the foods I binged on in the last pregnancy are particularly disgusting to me this time around.   Hopefully I won’t have so many kids that I run out of foods to not hate!

I’m not really trying as hard as I “should” to keep the carbs to a minimum right now.  With my history of gestational diabetes I’m sure my doctor would say that putting waffles with syrup or donuts on my list of foods I can eat is totally inappropriate.  And keeping up with my exercise routine would be especially helpful right now, too.  The stress of moving and morning sickness, however, say otherwise.  Maybe I’ll try to take the kids swimming later today…

Am I excited?  Yes and no.  I love my babies, and they are definitely worth the process, and it will be great to have a third. Challenging, but great.  I don’t think I really get baby hungry like some women do, but my children bring me a huge amount of joy.  I’m excited to see if it’s a boy or a girl (maybe we’ll make it a surprise this time!)–Colin and I think it’s a boy.  I’m excited to get out those sweet little baby clothes and toys.  I’m excited to see another little personality develop and grow. I’m excited that we’ll be geographically closer to family with this one.

But I HATE being pregnant.  Maybe this pregnancy will be different and I won’t have as much trouble, but during my last two I got really, really sick.  Besides being so tired that I can hardly get off the couch most of the time, I was so nauseous and threw up so much that I couldn’t eat much of the time.  With Degen I lost 25 pounds in the first trimester and with Maggie I lost 10 pounds.  When you’re not pregnant, that sounds like a great thing, but losing weight during a pregnancy when you’re supposed to be gaining is pretty scary.  Maggie’s wasn’t as bad because I knew what medicine I could take that would help, and I got it earlier in the pregnancy.  At the time the medicine cost about $5/pill (with insurance!), and I had to take 1-2 pills every day.  I’m excited to learn that it has a generic now, so the cost should be manageable this time around. But  the next six weeks (I don’t start taking the meds until the first trimester is done) of throwing up while packing, moving, road tripping cross-country, unpacking, and living in someone else’s house is going to be a challenge to say the least.

Besides the morning sickness, last time around I had gestational diabetes, which means I’ll probably have it again (especially since I didn’t manage to get down to a “healthy weight” before beginning this pregnancy).  Gestational diabetes, like any other diabetes, is a pain in the neck.  Last time I opted for insulin injections because the pills just made me more sick, and that part wasn’t too bad.  And I’ve been on my gestational diabetes diet for a couple of months now, so I’m pretty much used to it, though trying to stick with it while battling morning sickness may not work.  Maybe, maybe it won’t be so hard to deal with this time around. At least I’ll have good health insurance!

I’m a little nervous about finding a new doctor when we move.  I didn’t love the OB/GYN I found here that much, but now I get to start the process all over in California.  I LOVE my Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM), Kathryn Hardy, in Utah.  She was so respectful, understanding, and good at explaining things to me.  During labor itself (in the hospital, with backup doctors steps away in case of emergency C-section stuff), she was perfectly encouraging, positive, attentive, and had magical pain-relieving techniques.  How will I find another doctor as good as she is?  I’m hopeful that the wide selection and general hippie-ness of California will yield someone who does my style of pregnancy care.

There’s my exciting news, and my anticipatory panic at what may be coming with my pregnancy.  At the moment I’m “just” really tired, and mildly-to-moderately nauseous about 70% of the time, no vomitting.  So, this may be as bad as it gets.  Writing about it seems to make it not such a big deal in my head, so thanks for letting me vent.