Wife Like Me

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I read an essay called “I Am a Mother” by Jane Clayson Johnson a few months ago and have been thinking about it off and on ever since.  Johnson talks about the nobility inherent in motherhood and the struggle to recognize and declare the value of her role as a mother.  I enjoyed the article and it’s helped solidify my comfort in my role as a mother in a world that’s often unsupportive of mothers who stay at home with their children.

Johnson gives an example of an experience she had at a dinner meeting just after she had her first child.  As the group introduced themselves, the men confidently described themselves in terms of their professions, achievements, and those of their children.  When the women introduced themselves, they essentially said ”I’m just a mother” despite their many accomplishments, both in the role of motherhood and professionally.  She goes on to talk about how this experience made her worry about her own role as a mother, and whether she had an insignificant, second-rate occupation.  The rest of her essay is about how she’s learned that motherhood is “highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind” and how she feels we as mothers can and should answer the question “what do you do?” with a simple, confident “I am a mother.” 

There was one thing that’s been bugging me about the article.  I very much relate to her rendition of her experience as she left the professional world to nurture her children full-time.  I agree with her view of motherhood and I love her essay.  But as I thought of how I’d answer the question “what do you do?” I found myself wanting to be able to say more than ”I am a mother.”   But why do I want that when I agree with her?  Why are women so tempted to feel that they need to say something more?  I’ve been mulling this over for quite a while with no good answers.

This morning it came to me that although I believe that being a mother and wife is the most important thing I do, being a father and husband is the most important thing Colin does too.  But when someone asks him “what do you do?” they don’t expect to hear “I am a father.”  He does other things in other roles, and fatherhood (for better or worse) is something people either assume he does or don’t care whether he does.  That’s not to say that saying “I am a father” is a bad answer, but honestly it doesn’t really answer the question.  Saying “I am a Spanish teacher at an inner city middle school, I’m working on my MBA, I have two great kids and a wonderful wife, and I play golf once in a while” answers the question because it offers details on his personality and interests.  

If I go to a work meeting with Colin and someone asks me “what I do” or to describe myself, simple telling them that I am a mother doesn’t necessarily answer the question satisfactorily.  It should be part of the answer for sure, and it should be said with confidence.  But when I ask someone what they do, part of my intention is to find common interests, to learn about a person’s education and goals and hobbies so that I can continue the conversation in a way that’s interesting to both me and the person I’m talking to.  If someone answered “I am a mother” to my question “what do you do?” I would have some material for asking more questions about the woman’s children and what she does with them, but I wouldn’t have much insight into her personality, her interests or hobbies, or her goals.  A more appropriate response from me to that question would be “I am the mother of two toddlers, I am the president of my ward Primary, I’m learning to design web sites, I have a degree in International Law & Diplomacy, and I love writing, blogging, and reading.”

So, although I understand that Johnson’s point was to encourage confidence in us in our motherly roles and I was inspired by it, I feel a little better about wanting to say something more than “I am a mother” in the kinds of situations she described.  Not that being a mother isn’t enough, or isn’t the most noble of the work I choose (or could choose) to do, but that it’s not descriptive enough.   

Johnson has also written a book called I Am a Mother, which I haven’t read but would like to one day. 

Tags: Family