Marriage Advice
Nov 5th, 2007 by Bethany
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I get a lot of people who come onto my site searching for things like "wife is always tired and doesn't like me." I'm not sure how that brings them here and I don't know whether my site is at all helpful, but here are my thoughts on ways to strengthen your marriage and what to do if your wife is freaking out. Colin may have more to add in the future. It's important to note that I'm certainly no professional and my advice is simply advice based on my own limited experience.
If your wife is really always unusually tired, she may have a medical problem like mononucleosis or depression. Seriously, if she's always tired you should probably get her to go to the doctor if you can. In fact, go to the doctor with her and drive the car and sit in the office with her and the doctor and help her think of questions to ask the doctor and write down the answers you get.
If you think she's just acting tired and "doesn't like" you, you may be thinking she's trying to avoid you and you may be right. In that case, you've got to find out why she's avoiding you and try to help her deal with whatever reasons come up. I say reasons, plural, because if she's in a state where she's avoiding you it probably means that she's been storing up reasons for a while (could be a long, long while) and won't just have a simple "you didn't take out the garbage last night" reason. In my experience, there's usually a straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back reason plus a possible hundreds of previous reasons. When I say reasons, I mean issues or problems or events that hurt her feelings.
Often, if you can get your wife to tell you the reasons and you can be sympathetic and not defensive while she explodes emotionally, listening to the reasons will be a big chunk of helping her to like you again. Be warned: it could take a while (like hours) for her to remember everything and express everything. It may also include a lot of crying and paradoxical statements.
To avoid such a situation, my husband does a lot of what he calls "calling my bluff." Whenever I get grumpy he or uncommunicative he insists that I tell him what's going on in my head immediately. It works for us, partly because we both have natural tendencies to not take ourselves very seriously, and keeps me from storing up irritation and anger over little things until the mass of little things becomes an unmanageable big thing.
The problem may be that your wife feels like you don't listen to her and/or respect her and her feelings. Sometimes the husband may have done something "horribly wrong" or really horribly wrong and the wife doesn't know how to bring it up or resolve the problem. It seems like most of these problems involve not spending enough time together doing things together (watching movies or TV together doesn't count because you're in the same room, but not really paying attention to each other). I recommend a weekly date with just the two of you (no kids!) to prevent and deescalate such problems. Maybe I'll get Colin to do another post with me sometime on how to go on an inexpensive but meaningful date.
Other ways to strengthen your marriage, brainstorm style:
Smile at each other
Leave nice notes in unexpected places for each other
Play games together
Have traditions
Laugh together (try to make each other laugh)
Have a common hobby–try new things together
Learn about one of your spouse's hobbies
Take walks together
Exercise together
Make goals together
Sacrifice for each other (willingly, no strings attached)
Forgive quickly and often
Lots of hugs and kisses
Check in–let your spouse know where you're going and when you'll be back, and call just to say hi once in a while
Say "hello and I love you" when you first walk in the door, say "goodbye and I love you" when you leave
Eat together, no TV, at the table (and look at each other while you're at it)
Think we, us, our instead of I, me, mine (i.e. our schedule, not my schedule)
I hope all that helps someone sometime. While we're talking about things people search for when they come to my site and ways to strengthen your marriage, you are definitely not on the right track if you're looking for porn. Get some professional help, pornography is an addiction and will mess up every relationship you have. Spend your time in an uplifting way that will strengthen you and your marriage. Just a thought, since I can see what each of you searched for when you found my site.
