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If you've studied psychology or organizational behavior, you've probably heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The wikipedia summarizes the theory this way:
His theory contends that as humans meet 'basic needs', they seek to satisfy successively 'higher needs' that occupy a set hierarchy.
Basically, the idea is that if you're hungry or can't breathe, you won't be worrying about the fight you had with your sister or that you didn't get that raise you wanted. Once you've eaten, you'll start wondering about how to make more money or thinking about how you forgot to read your scriptures.
I don't totally buy into the Maslow thin because I think it is possible to worry about the things higher up on the pyramid if the things below aren't taken care of, but Colin and I found a really useful application for the Hierarchy.
When we were first married, Colin noticed that sometimes I freak out about things irrationally. For example, I suddenly believe that the world is out to get me, that Colin doesn't love me, and that I'll never be able to do anything right. All this, with no apparent reason that even I can identify. Smart man that he is, Colin soon realized that I do this when I haven't eaten recently or when one of my other basic needs isn't met. Since both of us had studied Maslow in school, Colin created his own version of the pyramid that looked something like this:
Soon we developed a system of solving problems using this chart. Whenever one of us (usually me) has a big, emotional issue, we go over to the chart. Starting at the bottom, Colin asks me the questions (usually we don't get beyond food) and if any of the needs haven't been met, he helps me satisfy them. So, if I haven't eaten in eight hours, he gets me some food, or if I was up late with the babies last night, he'll watch them while I take a nap. Once all the needs on the chart have been filled, if the issue still exists we discuss it. But about 95% of the time taking care of my chart needs either makes my imagined problem go away or allows me to rationally figure out a solution and take care of the problem myself.
Just to warn the men who might be reading this post who are planning to try and "fix" their wives, this is only useful if do it in an extremely compassionate, caring way that doesn't minimize or make fun of your wife's real or perceived problem. If, every time your wife starts crying, you laugh and say something like "this is all in your head, you need to look at that chart over there and it'll all go away" she'll just get mad at you and start blaming her problems on you even if she knows it's all in her head. If you want to help your wife and yourself, she needs to know that you care about her and want her to feel better and that this is a way to start helping her with whatever problem she has. If you do it right with the right intentions, I'll bet you solve half of your crying episodes. Just ask Colin.
Sure beats the "don't go to bed angry" advice, doesn't it?
